He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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