Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
