Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
