Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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