I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
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