when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
