Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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