Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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