I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
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