Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
