Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
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