I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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