It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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