mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
