At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
