A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
