whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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