I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize