he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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