I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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