You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize