He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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