i always forget guys have bellybuttons
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize
