I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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