why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
