Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize