Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
