I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Randomize
