i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
