I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
