let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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