if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
