i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
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