I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Randomize
