worst night to have a conscience
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
