The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
