every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Randomize
