mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
porn star boner night. come get it.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
