I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize