ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
Your face is a jimmy john
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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