You made me cry and you don't even care
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
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