I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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