P.S. I can't hear my feet
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
