i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I FOUND THE LEGS
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
