dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
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