Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
im holly from the hills drunk
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
