I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
