He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
