We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
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