he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
