There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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