She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
