I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
