dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Randomize