he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
Randomize
