Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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