Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Randomize
