I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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