is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
