Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
