if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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